I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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