1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
