community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
