The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Randomize
