Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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