i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
