My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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