So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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