I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
well you can't waste a boner
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
