Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
