Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
