i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
