so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
