Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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