I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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