So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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