so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
