I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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