Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
