I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
