she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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