She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
