Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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