When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
