im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
