Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Randomize
