dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
