I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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