we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
it glows. i had to have it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
