I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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