I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize