Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
