i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize