I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
