You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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