I'm so fucking centered right now
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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