I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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