I hate your face
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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