Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
