soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
