Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
