Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
