The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
