my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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