i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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