I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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