I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
