woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
