My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I want a musical about memes.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
