this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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