I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
