im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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