I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
