I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
