i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
