Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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