He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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